Monday, March 5, 2007

Can you scan this? Or Why won't someone just pay me to be a musician?

When my boss says, "Could you scan this for me?" I run for the hills. Or at least I would if there were any hills and if the people living in said hills all wanted voice lessons, therefore eliminating the need for me to work in an office. In case you are ever called upon to scan a document in my office, here are the steps to follow:

  1. Insert document in Brother MFCDSHGDOJFKDd329857498574893nsfdnsdlkjfsd printer. (If you can't find printer, simply follow the large bright blue cord leading from my office, across the room, over the doorway, around the next room, to the pile of blinking black boxes in the middle.)
  2. Press SCAN.
  3. Wait 8 minutes for fancy printer/scanner/faxer/nailbuffer to receive 3-page fax advertising Disney time shares.
  4. Press SCAN again. Choose computer. Ponder why the printer no longer recognizes the computer you wish to scan to, even though you programmed it last time.
  5. Choose the one computer it does still recognize, even though you know this computer is too old and slow to accept a scanning job and will probably freeze.
  6. Turn off frozen computer and wait 10 minutes for reboot. For efficiency's sake, search for Brother MFCFDSAKJDS25789437589437dfklsdjflsdj manual while waiting and look up "scanning" to figure out how to reacquaint brother with newer, faster computers. Turn to page 12.1 and read "Scanning information can be found on your Brother MFCSFKSDJK4673497658gfdklsjk installation disk." Search for installation disk.
  7. When computer has rebooted and disk has been found, use large paper clip to open disk drive. Insert disk and manually close drive. Locate and read scanning information.
  8. Survey the office and realize that the newer, faster computers are in use by people who can't give them up at the moment. Resign yourself to making the slow one scan. Think to yourself, "I am paid hourly. This is OK."
  9. Repeat steps 4 and 5.
  10. Sigh.
  11. Repeat steps 4 and 5.
  12. Wait.
  13. Wait.
  14. Wait.
  15. Search computer files in an ever-increasing perimeter to figure out where scanned documents are saved by default.
  16. Reset default.
  17. Repeat steps 9 to 14.
  18. Save scanned document as pdf.
  19. Wait.
  20. Wait.
  21. Open email program. Sing a little "I hate Outlook" song in your head while waiting.
  22. Attach pdf to email addressed to boss and hit send.
  23. Wait.
  24. Type in password when prompted even though you've told it to "save password" 142 times.
  25. Wait.
  26. Ponder error message.
  27. Repeat steps 21 to 25.
  28. Sigh.

I suppose the relevant questions here are a)Why won't someone pay me to be a musician? and b)What would Buffy do?

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